The Competently Quirky Parables of an Eccentric Master Gardener.
Chapter 1 – The Crazy Mad Gardener
This morning, I was wandering amongst the pumpkins and discovered – Squash bugs! Lots of them.
There is never just ONE squash bug; they always appear in a crowd. Half are climbing on the backs of the other half making MORE squash bugs. This grey shield-shaped Coreidae is the horniest critter in the insect world. Even their young are called nymphs!
Since squash bugs live in a constant state of post-coital euphoria, they don’t move very fast, so you can just catch them by hand and dump them in a bucket of soapy water (Here, you oversexed cucurbit monster – take a cold bath!) But when it is already hot outside, that’s a lot of extra work.
My methods are a lot quicker. I duck inside the house to grab a 100-foot extension cord and a shopvac. (Did you know shopvacs come in all sizes? I have three and the smallest only weighs about 6 pounds!)
Pulling back the leaves I target my quarry, then flip the switch, and WHOOSH, bugs gone. Of course, I do careful surgery on egg laden leaves afterwards.
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It’s Dad’s fault.
As a kid my Dad had me help him plant some seeds. At the store, he picked out some tomato bedding plants for himself then let me choose a packet from the flower section. I chose Bachelor Buttons. I was right there with him as he dug up a small area in our suburban backyard – pulled away the grass and chopped up the dirt. We opened the small packet of seeds and very carefully spread them on top, then covered those tiny things with a thin layer of dirt. Then we watered and waited. Those were probably the best watered seeds in the state of Indiana. When the first little spears poked up, I was disappointed – it just looked like regular old boring grass. Dad told me that a lot of plants start out looking like that – he told me to be patient. The little green shoots pushing upwards grew incrementally every day larger and larger, and OH MY!
One day I went out to look and the first flower had opened up! That day, I became a lifelong gardener.
In truth, I can get somewhat obsessive about it all. My husband has grown accustomed to my insistence that vacations must be planned around key times for vegetable garden harvesting. I write two-page-long instructions on watering for house sitters in the fervent desire that leaving for a week or two won’t destroy the charm and beauty of my environment.
I was transferred several times over my 34-year career – which meant that I have bought and sold several properties, mostly near the airports in larger metropolitan areas. When contacting a realtor, my first order of business was to emphasize that I NEEDED a big yard.
Yes, NEEDED, not just wanted. They say that Air Traffic Control is a stressful job – it was one I was good at and enjoyed, but when I went home, I had a great outlet for any angst. All it takes is a chipper-shredder and a compost heap
Out come the clippers! Time to go after those dead branches prune the roses and the trees. Rip those *$%@! WEEDS out of the ground. Then fire up the chipper-shredder. Grab the branch, thrust it into the hopper, and envision all the frustrations being loudly stuffed, chopped, and mulched into little itty-bitty pieces. Once that pile is reduced to slivers, you take the bag off and dump it into the compost pile.
No more stress.
Yes, my favorite piece of garden equipment is a chipper-shredder. When I am angry, upset, or just frustrated, my therapy involves ripping weeds out of the ground or trimming bushes and branches. Then the chipper is rolled out and I visualize whatever the heck is bothering me as I thrust the mounds of innocent vegetation into the hopper. The angry roar of the motor and whirling blades complements my emotional turmoil, and the tiny fragments of torn organic matter spewing from the side release my built-up frustration.
In the fall, I hook up a small utility trailer to my Subaru. Stealthily, I cruise the quiet streets of middle-class suburbia until – there! I see a pile of what appears to be bags of leaves set on the sidewalk, waiting for Tuesday’s trash pickup. I pull up to the curb and do a perfunctory walk up to the front door. I do ring the bell and ask permission to take the bags, but if no one is home… well, heck, nobody sets trash bags on the street unless they want to get rid of them…right?
Eight bags here, 12 bags there…by the time I am done, the little trailer is crammed five feet high with leaves, and I am on my way home to my chipper and my compost heap. I am the Queen of leaf thieves, and as added value, I stop off at one or two, or maybe all the Starbucks in the northeast quadrant of town, and snarf all the little silver bags full of used coffee grounds left out for area gardeners.
I spend hours watering with a hose in my hand rather than hooking up a sprinkler just so I can walk through the garden and listen to the plants sigh with pleasure as the droplets caress their leaves. There is a wonderfully pungent, almost burnt aroma unique to dry, hot soil released by the touch of water.
In this book look for some amusing stories and unique insights into gardening. Planting, harvesting, and just being a part of the garden are all here – ENJOY!
At the end of a good gardening day, my hands are dirty, my nails are broken, and I am completely relaxed and content with the world. Crazy is good.
***
Comments from pre-readers of The Competently Quirky Parables of an Eccentric Master Gardener.
From Fil Chavez, author of “Unused Towels”: MAD MAD MAD . . . with lots of really good advice!
I am not a serious gardener, I am more of a “Well, I tried but …” Nonetheless, this is indeed CRAZY MAD HUMOR … i.e., “squash bugs …. Horniest critters in the insect world … Live in a constant state of post-coital euphoria … take a cold bath.” All that on just the first page … and it gets better! Well, not ‘better’ since these first thoughts are truly uniquely MAD! It continues in a very enjoyable manner. Oh, yes, lots of good advice as well. I can hardly wait til next spring … maybe then, I would be able to say, “I am a serious gardener.”
In the meantime, I gotta check out the composting guidance. Lots of other good advice; wish to read this again. It will definitely be worth getting the book. Thanks, Rosie!
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Parris Afton Bonds , Internationally Published Romance Author
THE THRILL OF IT ALL ~ EVEN THE MANURE
Rosie Kern entertains with humor the agony and ecstasy of her gardening experience. Whether you are a gardening afficionado or not, you will enjoy her foray into her passion for gardening
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V.F.R. Fun and Informative
Fun to read while filled with good advice for low-water-use gardeners. As a beginning gardener, the author wasn’t confined with the do’s and don’ts of gardening. She just dumped layers of compost materials and became thrilled with the results. With trial and error, help from friends, and copious coffee grounds from Starbucks, she “created my space and it reached back to transform me.”
Now after many years with spade and trowel, research, and persistence, Rose Kern shares her experience with humor and practical observations. The Crazy Mad Gardener is definitely worth a read.
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Dale Garratt A fun romp through an offbeat approach to gardening
An informative and entertaining read. Rose really thinks outside the box working on her (pretty extensive) garden. I love her high-imagination and low-effort approach to eliminating squash bugs on pumpkins. “Grab a 100-foot extension cord and a shop vac and ‘whoosh’ they are all gone.”
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D. E. Williams Humorous take on gardening in the High Desert
Rose Kern has a delightful way of writing that brings freshness to the technical aspects of gardening. Not being a gardener (brown thumb all the way up to the elbow), I wasn’t sure the story would fit my reading taste, but it was witty and interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed the first 3 chapters and eagerly await what follows. Thanks for sharing your skill and your humor, Ms. Kern!
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Michael Hilarious yet educational take on gardening
From the first sentence, Rose has such an engaging style of writing, laced with humor.
And if you’re not careful, you might even learn something. I appreciate enjoyable learning experiences.
Bravo! Well said…
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Vicky So much fun to read!
I’m not a gardener, and I rarely read anything about plants or gardening. However, I do greatly admire those people who can turn an ugly space into a beautiful garden. Rose is one of those, and I know this even though I haven’t seen her yard because she paints wonderful pictures with her words. I loved reading about her efforts to rid her yard of weeds; her discovery of unexpected surprises in her new property; the trials and tribulations of growing anything in the high desert. Her ability to take me right into her front yard as she creates raised beds is delightful. I’m a fan, and I can’t wait for finished book.
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